Call It Off
by cellochick373
Summary: Nobody ever intends to be the other woman…Rachel writes Quinn a letter reflecting on what happened.  First person…apologies.  ANGST.  Minus a happy ending.


A/N: Cross posted to LJ. Takes the form of an open letter from Rachel to Quinn.

* * *

><p><em>Quinn,<em>

I never wanted this to happen. You have to know that. Please, whatever you do, at least believe that.

God, this is all so fucked up.

I had no idea that…well, in all honesty, I just didn't have any idea period. Not that it's any excuse for what I did- by no means am I trying to excuse my behavior.

What I did…I can never forgive myself. I always promised myself that I would never, ever hurt you. No matter what, I told myself that I would never be the reason you were upset. I really meant to keep that promise to myself.

But then I got selfish, and you suffered because of it. I am so, so sorry. The words seem so tragically inadequate in comparison to what I'm feeling, but they're all I have to offer. Everything I used to be is gone. Everything I thought I knew is completely and utterly erased. It's like I'm starting over from scratch…

I never thought I would be _that girl_, you know? I mean, I doubt anyone ever sets out intending to be the proverbial "other woman", but…I thought I was better than that. I thought I would never be the one to tear people apart like that- I was too _good_.

Hah.

Where did all of my superior morals go when I needed them? The second I was faced with you, with an opportunity to have you, if only for a little while, I was suddenly a mere mortal, flaws and all. I was suddenly being faced with what I wanted most- you- and my self control was nowhere near enough to keep me grounded in reality.

Thoughts of everyone and everything else went out the window the moment I started touching you and you didn't try to stop me. From the second you arched into me instead of pulling away, from that first perfect instant when you lips touched mine- I wasn't thinking about the consequences of what we were doing.

You have no idea how much I wish I could go back to that moment and stop things from going on. Sure, I stopped you from kissing me goodbye hours later when we were saying our final farewell, but it was too little, and far too late.

I _knew_ you were dating one of my best friends- I had set you up with him, after all. I_ knew_ that you really liked him, and he felt the same…I just…when you said that you liked me too, I wanted to believe that you would choose me.

Looking back, I can see how horribly selfish I was being- I didn't stop to consider how you would feel being pulled in two opposite directions by two people you cared about. It was so stupid of me…all my promises about never doing anything to hurt you, and I still manage to fuck things up.

I was so hopeful…so naïve. Maybe that's why this hurts so much.

I feel so unbelievably selfish writing this, but I need to do this, even if you never see this letter. It's just…god. I'm always going to be second best, aren't I?

From the moment you told him and things went downhill, I was there for you. I listened to you on the phone for hours, cried with you, tried to keep you from blaming yourself, tried to comfort you in whatever way I could. And then when you told your mom, I was ecstatic with you about how supportive and loving she was.

I've tried to keep up with how you're doing, and I've tried to make sure that you don't have to be on your own if you don't want to be. The problem is, I've been so busy worrying about you and what I can do that I've forgotten about myself.

In the month since everything went to hell, I've sort of just been stuck in this limbo of hurt and pain and confusion. You lost someone you cared about, but so did I. He was my closest guy friend, and I know that there is no chance of ever regaining that friendship.

I could handle that, though, if I at least still had you. Not even in a romantic way, but just as a supportive friend. But no. All you ever ask about is _him_- how he's doing, if I've seen him, how he's holding up… it's all about_ him_.

Even that first night, you were so focused on how you had hurt him and betrayed him and how much you regretted causing him pain. I know you said you don't regret what happened between us, but really. What am I supposed to think when everything you do, every word out of your mouth, says the exact opposite?

Not once have you bothered asking how I'm doing, or how I'm holding up. If you had asked, you would know that I'm sinking fast, in large part because I've imploded my life for someone who will never put me first.

You think I had ever been with a girl before you?

No.

You were my first. First everything, in a lot of ways.

That first night we did more than cuddle, when you whispered about how gentle I was- yeah, that was because I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. I was trying, though, for you. I just wanted things to be good for you.

Somehow, that makes this whole thing just a little bit harder for me. I was giving you my heart, but from the moment things started their fantastic fucked-up downwards spiral, you bypassed it in favor of him.

I get that he's easier. Hell, I even get that you like him, much as it pains me to admit it. I get that I will always come second to him, even when you don't have him any more.

I just really, really wish you would have told me all this and stopped me before things got as far as they did. Why did you get my hopes up like that? Why did you let me do anything if you never meant for anything more to happen? Why did you tell me you felt the same if you were always going to choose him anyways?

Was I just a pity fuck? Something to do instead of having to spend the night alone? Free entertainment, a way to amuse yourself?

No.

I'm sorry. I know you're not that person. I know you, and I know that you didn't mean for this to happen either. Knowing doesn't make me feel any less used, though.

I know I told you I don't regret what happened…but if I'm being honest, I really do. How could I not? I hurt you, I hurt him, I broke my own heart, and what do I have to show for it?

Nothing.

Whatever chance we might have had at something is basically obliterated. Some days I wonder if it wouldn't be better for me to just cut off contact and let you move on with your life. I won't, don't worry, I would never abandon you if you wanted me to stay, but still…I feel like I'm just tying you down and holding you in the past.

I hate this. It's like we had our chance and now I just need to come to terms with the fact that things didn't work. It's my own fault, I know, but I can't help but wonder…

What if we aren't meant to end like this? What if we're good for each other? Maybe you would have been perfect for me, and I would have been perfect for you.

I guess we'll never know.

I love you, Quinn, no matter what. I'll always be here for you if you need me- I hope you already know that though, since this is just another letter that I'm going to chicken out about sending. It can go in the pile in my desk drawer.

I miss you. I hope one day you can forgive me for everything I've done, and for the pain I've caused you.

I love you.

_Yours forever,  
>Rachel<em>


End file.
